Committing to a Project

A surprisingly painful, FOMO filled, and emotionally charged ordeal

I subscribed recently to a dear friend of mine who is a naturally gifted writer and poet (see Mixed Magic

Imọlẹ

). Little did I know that I had inadvertently signed up for a creative project. This should be cake walk, given creativity is a huge part of my life, having had a musical project I’ve nurtured over the past 8 years which I incorporated 3d artwork and animations about 5 years ago. And yet the thought of starting a creative project has suddenly left me paralyzed. I have so much to do, at least 3 albums that have never seen the light of day, 2 remixes I haven’t really finished, and at a music videos I’ve been meaning to create. Not to mention the video game I started making a few years ago that I would be over the moon to continue creating. Somehow, the only thing I want to do is read books and make vision/ mood boards or plan my spring/ summer wardrobe. I feel at odds with myself. When I see others release their material, I get FOMO, and I know I should probably keep releasing my material. But this is where I start to really make things harder for myself. I will stay up all night creating something only to find myself need to rest up and recuperate. I find I can’t do things in moderation, it takes so much energy to climb the “getting started” curve, I just go into overdrive.

But with a commitment on the line though, I find it hard to say no. There is a part of me that knows this is for my highest good. That I must find it in me to commit. Part of me wants to just go for everything, why not, I know that I will exhaust myself regardless, so I might as well maximize all these equations and put myself on the line.

So what will I choose, will I commit to a certain number of books and my corresponding mood/ vision boards. Will I create my wardrobe ahead of time so that I can avoid overspending on clothes I won’t ever wear? Will I bite the bullet and make those albums or music videos happen? And why is everything all or nothing.

I realize in a world where I have a hard time envisioning a future is possible, that I almost feel compelled to give it my everything. I realize this is a trauma response, but can we normalize that, perhaps this is ok? Survival mode, trauma responses, aren’t they after all also a beautiful thing to have? We are trying to survive after all. Having a perfectly regulated nervous system is a dream, but in the face of that falling short, I embrace my body and all it has been through and all it takes for me to create.

So in the face of this challenge, I’ve decided to do a project that includes a few small things from each category. I am going to finish my two tracks that have music videos and publish them, I am going to plan my spring/ summer wardrobe, AND, I am going to read a few books on my list and make a beautiful vision board for each. I am going to call this project one thing though… project spring. Perhaps if I think of a more creative name, I will give it an update. In the meantime, here’s to me finishing project spring. And who knows, maybe I will get the momentum I tackled the really scary projects of mine.

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